You do have your calmer moments, moments in which your thoughts aren't tainted by panic and anger and madness. These moments only seem to happen when you're alone. Even if someone were to troll you right in the middle of a calm period, the presence of another would only rile you up once again. Even if that other isn't there in person.
Even if that other is Mandya or Bharal.
It unsettles you when you realize that. Why should the people you supposedly have pale crushes on send you into frenzies of fury and fear whenever they try to talk to you? That's not what pale feelings should feel like, is it? The whole point of moirallegiance is for two people (or, in this case, three) to balance each other out, and keep each other alive and sane and calm. Why does talking to Bharal and Mandya make you feel the exact opposite?
So you do what you do best. You think about it.
What was it about them that made you feel pale feelings? That's an easy question to answer. It was the way Mandya would declare "that'z why you need me" whenever you proved how little you understand people. It was Bharal's constant and unwavering support. It was the way you trusted them both so completely.
But do you really feel pale feelings for them, or do you only like the idea of them sorting out all your problems?
As much as you hate to admit it, the latter is looking more likely. How can you really feel pale for them if all of their attempts at communication and at calming you down only make you feel worse and worse? That's not how moirallegiance should work. You wish and wish and wish that you could really feel pale for them. But you just don't think you do. There's just something so wrong with you that you just can't be helped by moirailling, that you can't feel those feelings at all.
At least they can have each other. You care about Mandya and Bharal enough to feel glad for that. Even without you, they can still be moirails with each other. It's not too late for them.
no subject
Even if that other is Mandya or Bharal.
It unsettles you when you realize that. Why should the people you supposedly have pale crushes on send you into frenzies of fury and fear whenever they try to talk to you? That's not what pale feelings should feel like, is it? The whole point of moirallegiance is for two people (or, in this case, three) to balance each other out, and keep each other alive and sane and calm. Why does talking to Bharal and Mandya make you feel the exact opposite?
So you do what you do best. You think about it.
What was it about them that made you feel pale feelings? That's an easy question to answer. It was the way Mandya would declare "that'z why you need me" whenever you proved how little you understand people. It was Bharal's constant and unwavering support. It was the way you trusted them both so completely.
But do you really feel pale feelings for them, or do you only like the idea of them sorting out all your problems?
As much as you hate to admit it, the latter is looking more likely. How can you really feel pale for them if all of their attempts at communication and at calming you down only make you feel worse and worse? That's not how moirallegiance should work. You wish and wish and wish that you could really feel pale for them. But you just don't think you do. There's just something so wrong with you that you just can't be helped by moirailling, that you can't feel those feelings at all.
At least they can have each other. You care about Mandya and Bharal enough to feel glad for that. Even without you, they can still be moirails with each other. It's not too late for them.
Even if it is too late for you.